Vulnerability

Have you ever read your child’s first attempts at writing out loud while they watched? I remember the girls: their little tongues would stick out of their mouths as if they were feeling all over again the angst of getting the words just right. It was hard work for them to stand and listen as I read their words. On their faces would flicker first pride then embarrassment. I remember well standing in their little places, too, as my writing was read out for all to hear. I remember one time when a card I’d worked on for two days was labelled as “Forgot to buy a real card?” It conditioned me to not be vulnerable with my writing. For heaven’s sake, the reasoning went, don’t let family read our writing. Strangers are much kinder.

Hence, blogging. It’s generally a much kinder platform for writers like me who use the stuff of life to springboard their thoughts.

And now the point: I need to apologize to you, my bloggy readers. You see, I’ve not been vulnerable with you. Especially since, roughly, November of last year. I’m afraid to write what I really feel, because I know that there are new “family members” reading every word. Some of them aren’t even really family, but they count. Doing some soul-searching at why I refuse to blog even though the posts are running constantly through my head, that’s the best answer I can come up with.

But I miss my blog friends. I miss the fellowship of writers and the daily push to see the world with different eyes. So I’ve decided to be honest, vulnerable. I will start by telling you (and them) what’s holding me back.

Last November my oldest daughter, Kylie, was found via facebook by her birth family. Her older sister found her first, followed by a host of other new relatives. Some day I will write about that experience (please hold me accountable!), but let me just say that I love the relatives we have found. Ashley, if you are reading this, you are precious to me. But writing for this new crowd? Intimidating! And now, we do this again. Last week my youngest daughter, Jillian, was found on facebook by HER birth family. Here we grow again! David and I have loved getting to know these new family members and putting puzzle pieces of Jillian’s life together. I just don’t know exactly how to process all this without writing about it!

And oh yes, there are others of you out there who intimidate me just a bit: relatives who live with my mom at Dowling Park, high school friends, even (just sometimes) my in-laws and my husband! Sometimes I love the idea of an anonymous blog.

But today I was reminded why I write. A comment on an older post (My Father’s House) reminded me that sometimes the things I have to say reach into another person’s heart and resonate there. This is a crazy journey in the Kingdom that we are all on, and traveling together makes the journey so much more worthwhile. So it’s back to writing I go.

If you read this my dear bloggy friends, would you mind sending me a comment to encourage me to keep going? Hearing from you will build accountability and — hopefully — freedom. Of course, if you’d rather I hush up, please feel free to say that, too!!!

Looking forward to hearing from you…

Tagged as: adoption, birth family, blogging, faith, vulnerability, writing